Excitement vs. Anxiousness

September 20th is closer than it seems and as the days pass, it only draws more and more near.

It’s been difficult to describe all the emotions I find myself going through on a daily basis. The most prominent thing I have been feeling lately is tired. I have been tired all day, every day and haven’t really been sleeping through the night so everything catches up with me during the day. But when I waft through all the fatigue and look at everything else going on in there, I think excitement and anxiousness are two of the ones that are always shouting at me.

On one hand I am of course excited to meet my little kiwi in 58 days ( so long as this baby comes out when it is supposed to, that is). I can’t wait to see what our baby looks like, to look into it’s sweet little face and hold that little wonder in my arms. I already feel like this pregnancy has been too long and I can’t wait to cross the finish line and get my prize.

However, anxiety does surround me in some ways. I am anxious. In so many ways it’s hard to know if I have grown up enough. I want to be the very best parent I can be, and I fear if I will be able to hold up to the high standard I have set for myself.

It’s hard to know if you are mature enough to be a parent. I think this day and age, people never really grow up the way they used to. We don’t move out and get married in our teens, we don’t send our husbands off to the factory while we learn the arts of maintaining a household and birthing babies. We aren’t left alone to grow despite ourselves.

Now, our parents help us with everything. There are still questions I call my mother with, still basic things that as an adult I don’t know how to do. I still indulge in things I enjoy constantly, like video gaming, and other things like that. I still act like a big kid when around people I am completely comfortable with. And in two months time I will be responsible for this little life.

If that’s not enough to cause anxiety, I don’t know what is.

So far all I have been doing in these past few weeks is working my butt off to create a little nest egg should my maternity leave moths flying out of my wallet, sleeping, and attempting to get all the things around my apartment done before my little bundle of joy finally arrives.

It has left me for little time for much else. I see all these women posting about how their nurseries are complete and they look like something out of a magazine. How much they have stocked up for their babies. Outfits, diapers, creams, literally everything you can even imagine. I have only bought the outfits I would need to take my baby home from the hospital, I haven’t purchased any diapers as of yet, which is really something I need to get on top of. I finally got around to making a baby registry for my shower, which has maybe 20 things max on it as I had no idea what to even put on there.

All of this has me feeling quite behind and worrying that maybe I am not ready for my little kiwi as of yet.

Sure, I have the basics. Stroller, crib, changing table. I went out yesterday to look for a car seat but didn’t end up getting one. This is something I need to get sooner rather than later.

All the little things seems to be digging their way under my skin and it is pushing all my excitement to the side and making anxiety this large monster that is causing havoc in my life.

With a deep breath, I am going to pretend it isn’t getting to me as much as it is. How hard can all of that be? Wish me luck world, I am off to look for my car seat!!

Stomach Bug

When you are pregnant, especially with your first baby, you tend to be hypersensitive to every little thing. Plus, every sudden symptom that pops up has you questioning the health of your baby and fills you with a new wave of worry.

This morning, I woke up in a sweat, almost completely drenched. My stomach was in the worst pain I could imagine, and it was cramping in a way that had me rolling out of bed and staggering to the bathroom.

In the back of my mind, the only thing I was thinking was that something was seriously wrong, and my biggest fear was that I was having a miscarriage. After going pee and seeing no bleeding, I wondered what the hell else it could be. The pain was intense, and I thought if I wasn’t losing my baby, maybe my baby was coming.

This brought on another wave of fear and worry.

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At 24 weeks I am pretty small. My stomach had just popped two weeks ago and although my doctor says I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I was thinking there is no way my little kiwi is big enough to survive right now.

My anxiety was at a level I hadn’t experienced before. Sitting in my bathroom, I tried to calm down enough to think everything through.

Now, get ready for me to over share. This is a blog about parenting and pregnancy, and there are bound to be some gross things that happen to us during both.

Since I got pregnant, my bowel movements have been anything but regular. The iron supplements I have to take because of my anemia have me completely backed up and there were times during my first few months of pregnancy where I was so bloated I thought I was showing because my pipes were so backed up.

Sitting there, sweating my ass off and cramping like nobodies business, I thought back to when I was a little kid and would get really constipated. So much so that I was doubled up in bed with cold sweats. My mom would give me a cup of tea and put me in the bath to get things moving along. The pain I was feeling now seemed similar.

When I thought about it, having been around kids when there was a stomach bug going around that had them on the toilet either bent over and camped out made me think that could also have something to do with it.

Hobbling to the kitchen, I brewed a pot of decaf coffee in hopes that it would trick my body into going to the bathroom. Coffee had been something that kept me regular before pregnancy. With the coffee brewed, I practically chugged it back and waited.

Low and behold, things started moving along. Way more than I would have hoped. I spent a total of an hour and a half in the bathroom, moaning and groaning, and cramping.

I would love to tell you that was the end of it, that I got up, got ready for work and enjoyed the rest of my day.

Well, I did call my doctor right away and explain my symptoms. We had discussed the stomach bug at my last appointment which was just last week, because she knew it was going around and wanted to warn me of the symptoms, what to look out for, and what to do. However, pregnant and paranoid, I gave her a call. She confirmed it was indeed that treacherous stomach bug that was going around and told me if I experienced any bleeding or anything like that to come in.

I went on with my day… cautiously.

After almost pooping my pants twice, I made it home in one piece. Just because I am a worrier, I downed two glasses of ice water, laid on the couch on my side and waited for my little kiwi to kick the crap out of me and let me know everything was okay in there.

I am pretending not to see those side glances from my dog as I toot and watch Netflix.

Hoping this passes soon!