Big Fat Positive

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If you have ever been trying to get pregnant, I am sure you think of the pregnancy test as a nemesis of sorts. It’s you, a full bladder early in the morning, and a test that can either make all your hopes and dreams become a reality, or can shatter them yet again for another month.

The amount of nervous energy vibrating through your body is enough to power an electric car for a cross country road trip. Your heart is racing and you tell yourself that this is it, this is the test that will change everything. You’re so sure of it, you can feel it in your bones. Yet, there is that voice of doubt in the back of your mind, whispering that these thoughts are ones you’ve had before.

Taking a deep breath, you take the test. There is no use prolonging the inevitable, and for all those nerves you are feeling, your bladder could care less. It’s about to burst and if you let it, you’ll have to wait for tomorrow for another chance at the test.

Personally, I waited a whole week past my scheduled period before I took my fourth pregnancy test. There were a few reasons why. First, I was feeling more than a little defeated. After the first month, my body was changing due to the stress and anxiety that trying to conceive was causing me. All my hours were spent thinking about it, planning for it, hoping for it. Naturally the second month, I took the test the day after my expected period… or at least attempted to. As soon as I sat down on the toilet, took the wrapper off the test, I felt it and with it the immediate sadness that at the time seemed so overwhelming.

The third month I waited four days. Again, I got an unexpected visit from my dreadful Aunt.

By the time the fourth month came around, I had lost a good dose of my positive attitude. Even though I was already a week late, the negativa voice was so much louder.

I think a lot of the things we see in movies about pregnancy, a lot of the talk about pregnancy that makes it into the storybooks and onto the screen leaves out a lot of the depression and heartache that plagues you. They leave out a lot of the struggle, the dark moments that make you just want to fade away into the shadows of your mind where the shimmer of hope can’t reach you.

Why? Seeing these things would be so relatable and I feel like it would help a lot of us as women, feel like getting pregnant isn’t always easy, and it’s okay to struggle, it’s okay to ask for help, it’s okay to tell your partner and your friends how sad it all makes you sometimes. These things don’t make you any less of a woman, and they won’t take anything away from you when you finally do become a mom.

The helplessness you feel that sometimes overcomes you, it eats away at you a little bit. It breaks you down in a way that makes you wonder if you lack the strength you will need to be a mom, and maybe that’s why you haven’t been given that YES you so desperately want.

I’m here to tell you I went through it, I experienced it all and I am still here. And I can promise you that whatever comes later, I will push through that too, just like a lot of you will.

The day will come where you get that big fat positive test result, or you get that letter telling you a baby is waiting for you. The day will come when you become a mom and no matter how small or weak you felt during the journey to get to that moment, you will never feel more strong.

Nothing worthwhile in life ever comes easy. And the joy and happiness you feel from the moment you know you are going to be a mom will be enough to make you forget all of that darkness.

No one really tells you how to get through the hard times in your life. All they really ever seem to tell you, is that eventually you will get through it. We all pretend we know what we are doing. We pretend to know the way, to hold the map of the years we have left behind us. In truth, most of us are amazed we got here in the first place.

I can’t give you any tips on how to increase your chances of getting pregnant. I’ve been through it, and honestly, I couldn’t tell you what it was that finally got us that positive test result we had been hoping for. It’s like I stumbled through it all blind and have finally broken through this thickness of trees and can see a beautiful view of what’s ahead.

Will I pretend to know what’s in store for me? Isn’t that all part of the gig?

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